what it is, nothing more

I wrote a rant yesterday, and tried to spice it up with enough tongue-in-cheek sarcasm to feign the appearance of humor. Mostly I was just pissed off and ranting. Then I read a blog about “Tweeting good tweets” and “posting good posts” and how all of that is important to “building an online following” and “getting followers” and “establishing an online presence”.

My first thought was, “I guess I missed the mark and that one.” And then my second thought was, “Fuck it. I'll own that.!”

Not that there’s anything specifically wrong with the tricks and the games, but I know they aren’t for me. If I went that route, I’d never be able to forgive myself. I’m intentionally ignoring all the tricks for expanding my followers list on Twitter, intentionally choosing to post potentially uncomfortable links, expressing opinions, taking stands on issues. It’s been part of the inversion from, literally, day minus one. I know this blog and most of what I post on FB and Twitter has (on the surface of it, anyway) nothing to do with publishing a fantasy novel, but it has everything to do with trying to be authentic.

I’m sure they told Frank Herbert that about Dune too – too political, too ecologically sensitive, too subversive. And I know that Margaret Atwood catches constant shit about her political and social views. I’m not in their league (hell, I’m not in their universe, to be clear), but I admire their courage. I admire the integrity to have an opinion and a voice, damn the torpedoes. They make me want to aspire.

If (when) I publish, I will publish as me, not a persona. I’ve lived dual lives, a professional me and a personal me. It sucked. If my opinions and perspectives make that process harder, then so fucking be it. I refuse to sacrifice my freedom of thought and expression in order to be more popular or an easier sell.

Writing, being an artist, isn’t a game. This isn’t about winning anything or conquering anything. It’s about having a voice and a mind and sharing it, all of it, as honestly as we can. It’s about telling honest stories. If it’s fiction, as mine is, then the Picasso quote (which I found thanks to the inimitable Judy Clement Wall) applies: “Art is the lie that tells the truth.” If that means that I’ll never publish, because I’m not marketable, then so be that too. I’ll wear that, proudly.

Thoreau said, “I’d rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion.” And then Einstein is attributed with saying something to the affect of, “If two people in the same room share all the same views on everything, one of them doesn’t need to be there.” That shit’s about abjuring the herd mentality, about not succumbing to it.

I won’t play games with my integrity for the sake of the possibility of a career. And if it ever turns into an actual career, I hope I still have enough integrity to be even louder when it counts most, and prove myself worthy of the career. I’d happily own failing as a marketable author for the sake of succeeding as a human with integrity.

If being honest and taking a stand means that I’ll never win the internet, I hope I never win the fucking internet.

P.S. This isn’t about anybody in particular. I’m just in a rant mood this week. Everything is coming out as a rant. I blame Gov. Scott Walker and my #amrevising playlist, which is largely comprised of Pearl Jam, Pink, Eminem, Foo Fighters, and Linkin Park. But, while I blame them, I still own every. Fucking. Word.


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P.P.S. FYI: Intense Debate is acting weird on me. I have no moderation settings set, but comments are getting lost in the ether or, for some reason, to moderation. My apologies if you get lost - I have a help ticket submitted. I still appreciate every word of every comment though. Persevere for me, please.

“Make service your first priority, not success, and success will follow.” Author Unknown

This quote has a number of very interesting economic and business applications, but I’m not going to touch them today no matter how tempted I am. I’d rather focus on this quote from a more personal perspective: How we conduct the relationships in our lives.

A friend of mine was once telling me about a ‘client friend’ she had that ate up a lot of her personal resources.

I stopped her and asked, ‘Client friend?’

She said, ‘Yeah, a client friend: Someone that you are a friend too, but that isn’t really a friend to you. You’re there to serve them in some way for a time, but you know that you’ll never get any dividend other than the warm feeling from helping them.’ I loved the concept and it clarified several relationships in my life when, at different times, I’d been a ‘friend to client’ and ‘client friend’.

I’m sure we’ve all seen that chain e-mail that discusses the concept of friends for reasons, seasons and lifetimes. I think the idea of client friends applies mostly to ‘reason’ and ‘season’ friends if you’re wondering – lifetime friends tend to be ones that involve a healthy level of give and take and mutual support. That said, when I applied the concept of client friends to that platitude, I made a few promises to myself:

• I promised that I would, if at all possible, never be a client friend. To me this means that I will give in a friendship, any friendship, in whatever way I can, so as to be a benefit to my friends in full measure (if not in the same currency) as they are friend to me.
• I promised that I would, if possible, always give more than I received in any relationship. Not to my detriment if possible, and not as a form of competition, but just because I want to serve those I love.
• I promised to receive freely from any friend that wished to give to me. An old folk saying goes something like, ‘In receiving a gift, we honor the giver’. I will strive to not require another’s service, but when it is offered, I will receive it gratefully.
• I promised that I would never turn away from a potential ‘client friend’. This would be a sort of karmic service, one freely given.

It’s sort of the golden rule with self-imposed interest. It isn’t always the most materially profitable course of action, but then I have a low opinion of materialism, so that works just fine.

I tend to experience a very high rate of emotional and intellectual return though. My account balance for things like positive regard, trust, honesty, respect, love and support, the kind I know I can count on no matter what the circumstances are, is very healthy.

By that measure, I’m wealthy already. And I like that measure.

“Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love.” David McCullough (1933 - )

Have you ever stopped to think about how you define success? Is it material gain? The relationships you enjoy? Or perhaps the nature and quality of your work? It is a question worth spending some time on.

When I was leading into the life changes I made last winter and spring, it was a question I asked myself a lot. What is really important to me? What are the things that I actually need to be productive and to pursue what it is I feel I am supposed to be doing with my time? If the model of success that I had been trying to horn myself into, like a foot two sizes too big for a shoe, was the wrong model, what was the right one?

Once you’ve asked the questions, if you’ve found the answers, then anything you do in pursuit of that answer is, technically, you succeeding. I don’t think that the purpose of life is to succeed according to anyone’s definition of success but the one that fits for us as individuals. So if you’re chasing after it then you’re a success already. Or as Bob Dylan once said, “What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.”

Congratulations. Take this moment to raise your right hand directly in the air, bend it at the elbow so that your hand slides down behind your head, and give yourself a couple quick pats on the back. You’re already doing better than most people.

If you can’t honestly give yourself a pat, then ask yourself why. Ask yourself what crisis or epiphany it is you are waiting for. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come. There’s only today, so get after it.