examination

I had the most interesting conversation on Twitter last night, one that grew (unexpectedly) out of yesterday’s post. I can’t get it out of my mind.

It was about authenticity (again), and control. Specifically, about whether taking ownership is, perhaps, an attempt to control too much. About whether self-examination can lead to a lack of authenticity – to what? Narcissism? A lack of mindfulness? A preoccupation with the past or future; things that we can’t control? Some, or all, or maybe none of those.

In a true moment of not letting go completely, I just kept thinking about it and thinking about it. Because that’s what I do, whether I should or not, whether it helps or not; I think about it until I can either understand, or feel satisfied that I never will. Or understand that it’s not time to understand yet. Sometimes we just have to let stuff sit in the dust, rest in its inscrutability, until we have the right hands to pick it up with, the right eyes to see.

And, yes, sometimes we just have to let it go and embrace the mystery.

I graded for my fifth kyu in Ki-Aikido a few weeks ago. I didn’t want to. The western system of colored belts bothers me on a subdural level. In Japan they don’t use colorful belts. You wear white until you wear black. I want to rebel against the artificial gradations. (And yellow is not my color.) But they still test on the way to the black belt, grading progress and providing unseen benchmarks, steps in the air that are invisible but strong enough to stand on so that the next level can be seen. I’d rather not wear the belt, but I accept and enjoy that the testing has to happen, and appreciate knowing that I can move forward.

I think that I approach the mirror the same way. I’m not looking for external validation as I do it (he says in his blog – oh, the irony), but testing myself helps me know where to go next, what to keep and improve, or what to leave behind. Sometimes the most surprising things happen, like when I discover that an old thing, trait, behavior that I never really liked no longer serves a purpose; that I can leave it on the side of the road and just keep walking instead of carrying the dead weight around.

Socrates said that an unexamined life was not worth living, and I buy that. Granted, I’m invested. Maybe I’m just a fan because I want to enable my own navel gazing. I have to admit the possibility, right? But can’t we wonder about the future and pick through the past without losing hold of the moment, of the present. Can’t we?

Earlier this week Stephen Elliot talked about how people don’t really change. Who we were is who we are is who we are. I buy that to a point too. To a point.

But we evolve too. There may be a core that can’t change, but how we dress it can. There may be an ‘us’ that can’t change, but how that ‘us’ interacts with the world, perceives it, embraces it or not; that can change. That can evolve. And that requires some level of examination, whether we burn the barn or go through it one item at a time, or maybe a bit of both. The examination is ongoing and painful and beautiful and grotesque and distracting and enlightening…

… and absolutely, authentically, worth it.

___

P.S. Sadly, my URL change yesterday had one unforeseen consequence that has no remedy at the present time: ID has no process in place to navigate all the ID comments made on the old URL into the new URL. All those comments and tiny conversations are lost to the outside now. Sorry, my fault.

If it helps, I can still see them all and visit the threads through the ID dashboard, but the truth is that I already miss them.

for the record

When I started my manuscript I planned on using a pen name to publish it. My thinking was that, because I also wanted to write non-genre fiction and maybe memoir one day, and wanted my real name on those efforts, I should use a pen name for the genre fiction.

I was worried about having my name associated with one genre, and how that might make finding representation and a publisher for anything else difficult. I was thinking way too hard. I was also hedging bets. I can see that now.

I’ve been thinking a lot about concepts like platform, self-promotion, authenticity, and honesty lately. That old position just doesn’t make sense to me any more. Frankly, it seems disingenuous for me.

Not “to me”; “for me”. Pen names are obviously a time honored tradition. I just don’t think it’s one that fits with where I am or where I want to be one day. Besides, I found Iain [M] Banks, so there are pretty easy ways to get around that “making yourself easily identifiable to your readers” thing.

So, while I’m still going to abjure the pushy self-promotion vibe, I do want to take ownership.

When I started thinking out loud I had no clue what I was doing as a blogger. I started using quotes as an excuse to express my opinions instead of using quotes to inform the writing. I felt like using my name in the URL for Blogger was egotistical, so I used the (over-used – I admit it) title in the URL. Then I used the title of the blog to inform my Twitter handle, again feeling awkward about using my name.

I mean, who the fuck was I?

That’s changed. This isn’t (I don’t think, #pleasenopleaseno) about ego. It’s about that ownership concept. If I succeed, I’ll have to take responsibility for it. If I fail, that’s me too.

So yesterday I changed my Twitter handle to @m_d_lockhart. Underscores are apparently verboten and I was threatened with ostracization until I explained that some other guy took @mdlockhart and hasn’t ever tweeted. (Not once. Future representation, as you read this, please make a note that I’d like to fix that one day when I’m basking in the blessed waters of mid-list-ship.)

Today I changed my Blogger URL. It was impulsive, the decision, part of the rush of owning something I think. Of course, anyone with thinkingoutloud-thinkfree.blogspot in their bookmarks (what, it could happen…) will no longer find their way here.

Hence this post, which is really about very little other than to make sure that the few, the appreciated, the deeply cherished that subscribe or admit coming here get the memo that my web address has changed. For the record, you are currently visiting www.michaeldlockhart.blogspot.com (or will be if you follow the link from your e-mail). I've also appropriately changed my Feedburner and NetworkedBlogs settings. 

I think we're good to go, but I'm probably wrong. If this causes anyone to have to readjust anything, sorry. Had to be done though, had to be done.

I’ll be hanging out here now. No plans to change the title, just so we’re clear. I feel (comfortably) stuck with that. It’s a good description for what I do here so long as we use “thinking” broadly and as a euphemism.